*cheers

I feel really good today.  I tried a thirty minute cardio vid by the same guy that does the one I like.  I was definitely getting a good work out, although I think his ten minute one is more intense.  I will probably end up alternating them.  I am just slightly tight in the muscles now, not to the sore point but I can tell I did something today.

I have just all around felt good today.  I was starving by 11am (I normally eat around noon), as I just had a bowl of cereal this morning.  Which is odd because some days I can eat a bowl of cereal and not feel hungry until after noon.  But I much prefer the days where I am slightly hungry all day.  I would rather feel a touch hungry than feel over full.

dance cardio

So I think I am going to drop this dance cardio vid I have been using.  I tried it again today, and I just think it is a touch too fast to really be worth it.  I can't physically do the moves that fast in any decent manner...I can make my body move that fast, but it is not controlled and it is not done properly, I am just flailing about trying to make the beat.  I guess it's back to the other one for me.

Dinner wasn't the most low fat tonight.  I made a stroganoff, and it was quite good.  It didn't have as much vegetables as I would have liked, only having about half a package of mushrooms, but it did have two onions in it.  This was definitely over-shone by the the amount of meat and noodles though.  I didn't have egg noodles, so I ended up using a type of penne.  And with the sour cream, it's not a weight loss meal by any count.

But I did good on my portion control.  I made myself one bowl and that was it.  Lunch was pretty good too, I had some leftovers (pork chop, veggies and noodles from last night).  I was still a bit hungry after what I ate, so I ate a banana.  I think I need to find some way to munch without actually consuming anything, because I am definitely a muncher.

I've been eating breakfast cereal this week, which for me is very strange, I've never been much of a cereal person...I'm actually not much of a breakfast foods person, but I make the effort to eat something for breakfast every day.  This cereal I have been eating is really good though, I think it's made by Post, its flakes with fruit and nuts, the one I had this morning was cranberries and almonds.  It's really good, I definitely could eat it for breakfast every morning.

New cardio

So, I tried a new cardio video today...it was actually by the same person who does the other one that I like (not the dance one), but I didn't like this one as much.  It was partially a body shaping vid, meant to be done with light hand weights (which I don't have), but even so, I wasn't as into this one.  I think I will just stick with the other one and possibly that dance one.  I may give that one another go tomorrow.

I definitely need to be stricter with my portion control.  I did okay at dinner, I cut off part of the pork chop before I even made my plate up, but I think I left too much.  Plus, I made some alfredo noodles, and they came out really good, so I had a bit more of those than I had planned.  I did eat a good serving of steamed vegetables.  Normally that is what I try to eat more of.

Weekend

So weekends when my hubby is home and on a day schedule are almost always busy.  We did a bunch of shopping on Friday, and then went to a local craft fair on Saturday (he doesn't work a normal Monday through Friday job so our 'weekend' is not strictly a normal weekend).  I completely slacked off and did nothing else besides, and I can feel it today.  I woke up earlier than I wanted to (it's the weekend, I should be able to sleep in!) because my body hurt, and I could feel the muscles in my leg trying to be twitchy yesterday.

I've been still fighting that lethargy the last couple of days, which I think is somewhat unrelated as it started while I was still doing my exercising.  I definitely plan on working out today.

I grilled some peaches yesterday....they were really good tasting.  I don't normally eat the skin of my peaches...I actually had to look up and see if it was okay to eat!  But besides being a bit interesting of a texture, the skin was like most other fruit skin, a bit tougher and slightly more bitter.  They had a nice slightly charcoal taste (which amuses me because we have a gas grill).  They were very tasty, still a touch warm, with some peach ice cream.

Exhausted!

I have no clue why, but I was super tired today.  I was doing okay this morning, not too overly energetic, but not bad either.  I was good and did my ten minute cardio and some stretching/strengthening afterward.  I ate lunch, a piece of fish and some fries and guacamole.

Then, I was just wiped out.  I was playing a game on the xbox and had to turn it off and just kinda sat there for a while.  It was kind of out of the blue.  After about an hour or so, it passed, but it just completely threw me for a loop.

If there is one thing I hate, it's that kind of ridiculous exhaustion.  That is one of the reasons I am wanting to drop the excess weight.  I hate it when I feel so physically run down that I don't want to move.  I also know that the more tired my body is, the more my mind tends to shut down.  I am definitely a thinker, I like my mind active, I like thinking about many different things, preferably all at once.  And when I get physically tired, then I get muddled in the brain and it is hard to think about anything.

Mexican food

So today, I ended up making some Mexican style meat...it was a cut of beef we can get fairly cheap, it is some kind of minced cut, not quite a ground beef, but cut into many little pieces.  I marinate it in lime and beer and spices, and then fry it up.  Today it was quite lean, though it had more gristle than the last time I made it. 

I also made some fresh guacamole.  I absolutely love avocados in about any form.  I just mince a bit of garlic, and mash up the avocado with a touch of lime (to help prevent browning).

I was good at dinner, I made one burrito and then considered making a second, but didn't.  I will probably have a snack later, but I feel much better doing that than I do eating a second serving of dinner and then being stuffed all evening.

I did a dance cardio workout today, I definitely felt my legs get tired before the end of it.  That has become one of my mini-goals...to get through these ten minute cardio workouts without feeling completely leaden and gasping for breath.  Once I get to that point, I figure I will work on the 30 min cardio.

Fish!

I did the roller bladeing thing again today.  I was a bit smoother, less shaky, at least at first, but I could tell when it started to be a strain.  I am thinking that if I keep at it, a bit at a time, that will go away.  The neighbor's dog must have thought I was insane though, he kept barking at me while I was skating!

So I made some breaded whiting for dinner, with fries and a salad.  The fish looks so much smaller frozen!  I ended up making three fillets for me and my son to share, and one and a half was probably too much.  We have some fries left over, which I may eat later on. 

I don't feel sore after yesterday's cardio.  I can't decide if that is because my body is getting more used to the activity (and therefor I can kick it up another notch!) or if I just didn't push as hard yesterday and so no muscle soreness.  I was plenty out of breath when I finished, so I am hoping it is the first.  I hate when I feel like I am pushing and yet find out later that I was just not doing as much as I thought I was.

The joys of pizza

Pizza is definitely one of those foods that I have to watch myself on.  I don't eat half a pizza or anything like that, but I do tend to go for a third piece instead of just two.  It's worse if we get anything with the pizza, like hot wings or bread sticks. 

That is one of those things that I do that I need to stop myself from doing.  Especially on buffets.  I will get one or two of something I only sort of like, sometimes just because it is there.  Like bread sticks.  I am not a super fan of bread sticks.  They aren't one of my favorite foods.  They are just there.  Granted, when they have cheese on them, I like them much more, but still, if given my choice between a piece of pizza or a cheesy bread stick, I would prefer the pizza...and yet I will often get both.

There is a Mexican restaurant near us that does two buffets:  a lunch one and a taco (dinner) one.  They have some great stuff on their buffet.  I always end up eating way more than I should when I go there.  And some of it makes no sense.  Like I will get some tacos, and then get a plate to eat with their chips as nachos.  And I will put both beans and rice on my nacho plate.  I don't have anything against beans or rice, but I never get a craving for Spanish rice or re-fried beans.  When we make nachos at home, I never make beans or rice to go on them.  I am perfectly happy with cheese, sometimes meat, sour cream, and veggies.  And if I sit any length of time, I will eat chips and salsa...constantly...until I am so stuffed it hurts.  Not the brightest decision, but when it is there in front of me, I definitely have a compulsion to nibble...and nibble...and nibble.

I kind of like this cardio workout I did again this morning.  It's only ten minutes, but it definitely gets you moving, and it isn't so horribly complex or strenuous that I can't do the moves.  I could definitely feel an improvement since the last time I did it last week.  I am not sure if I am perhaps starting to not be as horribly out of shape, or if I just was more used to the moves and so they came easier, so I wasn't getting all messed up trying to string them together.  I keep mixing up my stretching and strengthening exercises.  I think I will keep building up a bank of exercises I like for different parts of the body, that way I can do different ones and won't get bored.

Day off...not really

I'd like to say that I decided to take the day off, because it is good to rest up between workouts.  Which isn't necessarily false (about having days off being a good thing), but that isn't why I didn't do anything today.  I just couldn't get up the will to get up and moving.  It is definitely a harder thing for me to get motivated to work out on the weekends.  I am self-conscious.  I don't mind looking ridiculous when I am the only one here, but when I have an audience, I tend to do less.

I need to just force myself to do something.  Even my stretching and regular yoga type stuff, which I can do when my husband or son is up, would keep me doing something.

I am doing a bit better at least with drinking water.  I have started keeping track of how many glasses I drink.  The goal is 8 (though 10 would be better) glasses of water...with the 8 ounce standard being one 'glass'...which actually means one of my drinking glasses counts as two glasses.  I've been pulling about 6 the last couple of days.  Which is definitely more than I regularly drink..there are days where I don't pay attention and end up getting ready for bed and realizing that I've only drank one glass.

That count isn't including the two cups of coffee in the morning.  I know they say that coffee counts, but I don't count it.  It is one of those things that I am not willing to give up (at least at this point in time), even though I know that a large part of my caloric and sugar intake comes from my morning coffee.  I love those flavored creamers, and I like my coffee heavy on the cream/sugar....so it is more of a desert type thing.

Rollerblades!

I took my rollerblades out for the first time in about ten years!  I didn't stay out a long time, I was having trouble keeping my balance, but I didn't fall.  I figure that if I keep doing a little at a time, I will get my balance back soon enough.  The one thing I forgot was how heavy each skate was.

I didn't do a specific cardio today, though I did do some dance warm ups for about 5 minutes.  I did my normal stretching, which I watched the clock, and it was about 25 minutes.  If I can even do that much every day, that will go a long way...that is half an hour every day that I wasn't doing before.

I am not so sure I am happy with the food choices I made today.  Breakfast was about half good.  I opened a can of peaches, and ate some of those, plus two hard boiled eggs.  I added a large slice of this cheese bread I bought a couple of days ago.  I think I should have done a smaller slice.

For lunch, I had a salad, and some chips.  I knew we were having chili again for dinner, so I wasn't concerned about there being only a small handful of Parmasean for protean.  I kinda think I shouldn't have had the chips.  But I don't eat a ton of chips all at once.  These were a spicy bar-b-que flavor, so the spice was enough I didn't want a lot.  Normally the salt turns me off chips before I can eat too many.  I don't really like how much salt is put on most chips.  It is way too much for my tastes.

The pain begins

I can definitely feel the effects of yesterday's cardio in my legs today.  The muscles are tight and just past sore but not to really painful.  I have always liked the 'day after' soreness of a good workout.  I think it helps me remember that I am actually doing something.  I didn't think that I did a lot with my arms, but I can feel tightness there too.

The cardio I chose today was a humbling experience.  I consider myself a decent dancer, I took many years of classical dance when I was younger, and I do enjoy social dancing.  I picked a dance based cardio workout today, and I couldn't keep up.  I don't know if it was just that I didn't have time to practice the moves slower and get them down before trying to do them at tempo (which was quite fast).  It wasn't that I couldn't get my body moving fast enough, but rather that my mind wasn't translating the movement fast enough for me to get moving before I was supposed to be on to the next move.

I didn't have the healthiest of breakfasts today.  I am kind of a horrible breakfast eater.  We rarely have fresh fruit on hand, as the fruit at our stores is mostly horrible quality...either not ripe or bruised and rotten.  I had some frozen toaster waffles (they were blueberry, but I don't really consider that a serving of fruit).  The waffles on their own aren't too bad, but I added a frozen sausage patty and then some cream cheese, to make a breakfast sandwich.

Lunch was better, I had a tangelo and one of those whole wheat hot pockets.  Yeah I know it's processed food, but its one of the more recognizable ones.  I really like tangelos, even though they aren't as sweet as some of the other oranges, they peel easily and they rarely have any seeds.  I don't really like oranges that much, but these are okay.  I think I read somewhere that they are a grapefruit cross.  I can see that, they can be kinda tart sometimes.

I made some flan (from a box like jello) that I am going to have later.  I don't eat a lot of sweets, I rarely eat candy, although I do like chocolate.  I don't like a lot of cakes and stuff...anything that is too sweet I really don't like.  But I love cheesecake and custard type deserts.  Creme brullee is another great one. 

All in all, I really feel good about today though.  The cardio was only 10 minutes, but I did a full set of my other exercises and stretches.  I definitely want to make sure that I am stretching at the same time.  I am pretty flexible, but I don't want to loose it as I work on my muscle tone.  The biggest thing I really want to work on right now is to get my cardio up so that I can do a 30 minute cardio without feeling like I was gasping for air, and doing it regularly.  All told, I did about thirty minutes total I think, at least 20 minutes, which is pretty good.  If I can keep that up, at least 5 times a week, I think I will do good.

Body image and TV

One of the things I find interesting is that I am drawn to shows on TV that involve models or attractive, athletic (skinny) women.  I do want to be able to do things physically that are not an option right now.  I loved dancing, and I think it would be fun to do gymnastics.  I would love to get into martial arts of some kind.  My absolutely insane interest is in Parkour.  I came across that a while ago, and absolutely love it.  There is no way I can do those kinds of things right now.

Almost every show about this type of women is a group thing:  it is a group of the same type of women, either working together as a team or competing with each other.  Often, the type of women drawn to these types of things are much more effeminate than I consider myself.  I really think if I were forced into such a situation of having to co-habitate with a large group of women like that, I would go insane.  Especially the bubbly 'cheerleader' type of personality.  That is so NOT me.

I did pretty good today on maintaining my exercise.  I tried a ten minute cardio workout that I found online, and that was challenging and pretty fun.  I have a set of exercises I have been doing over the past couple of weeks, that mainly focuses on my waist and some work with a five-pound weight for my arms.  I probably need a bigger weight, but I found this one cheap, and figured it was better than nothing until I get something better.

I am thinking about breaking out my rollerblades and using them to get more active.  I haven't used them in probably close to 9 years or so.  I think it would be good, not only because it would be something fun to do, but also it would be good to help improve my balance.  I am not so bad with balance, but there are moments where I don't feel as firm as I would like.  I don't know if it is a vision thing (since I do wear glasses), and I definitely notice that sometimes things appear to be moving at different speeds around me.  In some ways, I am better with my eyes closed or in the dark, then I am relying more on my inner sense of balance and not visual clues.

We had chili for dinner tonight.  While not the most diet oriented food, I definitely feel I can achieve what I want without going to a traditional diet.  I do try to incorporate fruits and vegetables and restrict things like fat and excess sugar.  What I struggle most with is portion size.  I often over-eat, especially at dinner time.  I have definitely found that if I don't eat breakfast within a couple of hours from waking, that it affects my metabolism.  Oddly enough, eating breakfast makes me more hungry during the day.  But I do my best to eat small, healthy snacks.  I am trying to make use of some snacks my parents have sent me that are geared towards use in a weight-loss program.  They are low calorie, and have healthy protein in them.  

And so it begins

I can't think of a specific time that I started noticing my external image didn't match my internal one.  Most of the time I don't 'feel' fat.  I know I am overweight, I know I need to loose quite a bit, and yet, in my own mind, I am a slim, athletic person. 

I was very skinny as a child.  I guess you could say I was active.  I remember running around a lot with my friends in grade school.  In middle school, I took up dance:  ballet, tap, jazz.  I also was part of the school track team, a distance runner.

Then in high school, I stopped both.  And still, I was blessed with a high metabolism, and stayed slender.  I was 5'10 and 150 pounds. 

After high school is when things started to change.  I was married and had my son at 19, but I think I started to gain weight before then.  I know I didn't loose the weight as I think I should have after the pregnancy. 

It's now eleven years later, and I weigh about 230.  I like to think I carry it well.  My height helps, and I carry my weight over my entire body.  I used to tell myself I wasn't overweight if I still had a waist that went in. 

But I can look in a mirror and not like what I see.  I don't hate myself, but I don't like my body either.  I do hate that I feel exhausted doing simple stuff.  I hate when I get out of breath so quickly when I try to run.  I hate that standing for long periods of time makes my legs and feet hurt.  I hate trying to find clothes that fit and still look nice. 

It's not that I am opposed to exercise.  But I definitely procrastinate it.  I put it off or make excuses as to why I can't do it now, and then the end of the day comes and I haven't done anything.  I know that I have a lot of sedentary habits:  I love to read and spend hours on the computer.

I also love food.  I have always loved food, since I was a child.  I don't have horrible eating habits when it comes to eating greasy food or fast food, I really don't like a lot of fast food.  But I do like rich food.  I still have a high metabolism, I am hungry a couple of hours after I eat.  And when I sit down to eat a full meal, I am too often tempted to eat larger portions or go back for more.  A part of my mind eats because that food might not be there later.  I think that if I don't eat it now, I might miss out.  I am not sure where this comes from, I didn't want for good food as a child.

It is extremely frustrating for me to go grocery shopping.  So many of the healthy options, like fresh fruits and vegetables, are not cheap or they are spoiled or not in good quality.  The instant foods, the frozen meals, these are the cheap things.  I can afford to make some healthy choices, but money is definitely a limiting factor at times.

I decided to start writing about my thoughts on food, exercise, body image, weight loss and anything related, not only as a way to explore what I really feel about these things, but also as a way to encourage myself to act on what I want to happen...to be the change I want to see.  I know that if I put the words out there, I will be more likely to do something about them, instead of just wishing something would miraculously change.  I hope, that by setting the goal to write every day, at least a little, about something related, about my progress, be it mental or physical or emotional, that I will drive myself to do better and achieve my goals.