And so it begins

I can't think of a specific time that I started noticing my external image didn't match my internal one.  Most of the time I don't 'feel' fat.  I know I am overweight, I know I need to loose quite a bit, and yet, in my own mind, I am a slim, athletic person. 

I was very skinny as a child.  I guess you could say I was active.  I remember running around a lot with my friends in grade school.  In middle school, I took up dance:  ballet, tap, jazz.  I also was part of the school track team, a distance runner.

Then in high school, I stopped both.  And still, I was blessed with a high metabolism, and stayed slender.  I was 5'10 and 150 pounds. 

After high school is when things started to change.  I was married and had my son at 19, but I think I started to gain weight before then.  I know I didn't loose the weight as I think I should have after the pregnancy. 

It's now eleven years later, and I weigh about 230.  I like to think I carry it well.  My height helps, and I carry my weight over my entire body.  I used to tell myself I wasn't overweight if I still had a waist that went in. 

But I can look in a mirror and not like what I see.  I don't hate myself, but I don't like my body either.  I do hate that I feel exhausted doing simple stuff.  I hate when I get out of breath so quickly when I try to run.  I hate that standing for long periods of time makes my legs and feet hurt.  I hate trying to find clothes that fit and still look nice. 

It's not that I am opposed to exercise.  But I definitely procrastinate it.  I put it off or make excuses as to why I can't do it now, and then the end of the day comes and I haven't done anything.  I know that I have a lot of sedentary habits:  I love to read and spend hours on the computer.

I also love food.  I have always loved food, since I was a child.  I don't have horrible eating habits when it comes to eating greasy food or fast food, I really don't like a lot of fast food.  But I do like rich food.  I still have a high metabolism, I am hungry a couple of hours after I eat.  And when I sit down to eat a full meal, I am too often tempted to eat larger portions or go back for more.  A part of my mind eats because that food might not be there later.  I think that if I don't eat it now, I might miss out.  I am not sure where this comes from, I didn't want for good food as a child.

It is extremely frustrating for me to go grocery shopping.  So many of the healthy options, like fresh fruits and vegetables, are not cheap or they are spoiled or not in good quality.  The instant foods, the frozen meals, these are the cheap things.  I can afford to make some healthy choices, but money is definitely a limiting factor at times.

I decided to start writing about my thoughts on food, exercise, body image, weight loss and anything related, not only as a way to explore what I really feel about these things, but also as a way to encourage myself to act on what I want to happen...to be the change I want to see.  I know that if I put the words out there, I will be more likely to do something about them, instead of just wishing something would miraculously change.  I hope, that by setting the goal to write every day, at least a little, about something related, about my progress, be it mental or physical or emotional, that I will drive myself to do better and achieve my goals.